My State of Being -- Not as a Vegetable, Thanks

Nor even a kumquat.

The advent of one of my best friend's birthday approaches and I am reminded, given that we are the same age, that the big 3-8 will be headed my way in less than 2 weeks.

Therefore, my decrepit age and mortality in view, in addition to the horrid news of accidents and casualities on a daily basis, with Suz's kind permission (thanks, Suz!), I've appropriated and adapted her open living will and am posting it here in case I ever end up in a hopelessly vegetative state (current existence aside) and strangers decide they know what is best for me rather than my own family.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I, being of sound mind and body, state loudly and clearly that should the outlook of my cognitive and physical being appear hopeless from whatever etiology/cause, I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of grandstanding politicians who like to seize upon people's private lives and fates and twist them to their own nasty purposes.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to request my mum, a book, tea, stationery and chocolates, it should be assumed and presumed that I have passed the point of no return. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my mother, brother and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery or drag my name and body through the judicial system. It is my wish that these arrogant and interfering fools mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans and others worldwide who aren't in a permanent coma and who nonetheless may be in need of nourishment, shelter and compassion.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians, religious persons or conservatives butt into my case. It is my wish that they play politics with their own lives and leave me alone to die in peace, dignity and a time of my choosing, not theirs.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to reconstitute from my ashes like the vengeful vamp I am and make his or her existence a living hell.